Tag Archives: weight loss

I Might Be Wrong

So there’s this super awesome way I’m able to transport myself back to times when I felt infinitely more hopeful and connected.  I have this cool trick allows me to feel past feelings, experience the joys and sorrows of yesteryears, and flat out just emote.  Okay, okay, okay, it’s not rocket science.  I just listen to music.  As I grow older I have less and less time to dedicate to music but music used to be a huge part of my life.  I wish it still was… and I’m happy I still have time to change that.  Anyway, I’m spinning Amnesiac by Radiohead as I type and it brings me right back to my dorm room senior year.  It’s a perfect place for me to travel back to because I had all the possibilities in the palm of my hand.  I loved who I was.  I was a poet, a student, a lover, and a kick-ass party girl!  Ha!  Total perfection, right?  I’m hoping to be that girl again when I retire.

My last blog was a bit heavy and rightfully so.  I’m tackling mountains these days and I’m winning for now.  I have about 80 lbs to lose and a pretty damaging habit to kick.  I look back at happy times in my life… those times when I felt connected to life… but I also look forward hoping those feelings will surface again.  I have it in me.  I know it’s there because things don’t leave.  I have always been and will always be everything I’ll ever need  to be.  I have everything inside of me that I’ll ever need.  My decisions just need to work on uncovering instead of covering my past parts.  Easier said than done (as is the case with typing out most of these realizations).

I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal and my goal is to write 3 things I’m grateful for when I wake up and 3 things I’m grateful for when I go to bed.  It’s been a great practice so far but I feel like I need to get more out of it.  I started by writing just a simple sentence.  But that’s not doing a damn thing because I find different ways of saying the same stuff day after day.  So I’m forcing myself to expand on the thought for like 1 or 2 more sentences.  So far, so good but I still think I’m missing the mark.  I need to dig deeper because I’m not getting emotional enough during the process.  I want to feel these words and feel these connections.

Being addicted to alcohol is like throwing white paint all over the Mona Lisa.  It erases creativity and beauty.  It covers the artist and suppresses any hope of growth.  I didn’t realize this for the longest time.  But I was essentially making myself numb, completely numb from feeling both good and bad… happy and sad.  There was nothing.  I didn’t want to feel the bad so I chose to feel nothing at all as a precaution.  Ha!  I thought I had out-maneuvered life… but really, I just found a way to mute ALL life inside of me.  With this slowly becoming a thing of my past, I can already feel my creative juices flowing and I’m pumped.  That sense of connection will be restored, I’m 100% certain of that!  And maybe I’ll make new memories now with music that I’ll want to revisit 20 years from now.  #goals

 

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Back to “START” but behind a few thousand people already in line…

So here I go again on my own.  Whitesnake wasn’t lying.  At least I’m taking steps to look like that hot chick on the front of those cars in that famous video.  I don’t think I’ll ever be that limber but after a few glasses of wine, I’m 1/2 way there.  That counts, right?  I just got out of a pretty lengthy on-again-off-again relationship.  Wah wah wah… right?  I know.  I wouldn’t read a blog that started off with this shit.  Hopefully you’ll hang in there with me (I’m talking to my non-existent audience now).  Maybe I’m like every other 34 year old.  But I know that’s not true.  I have LOTS of friends who are married, in seemingly awesome relationships, and all that stuff.  Not me.  I chased it for years–hell, most of my life–and it keeps slipping right through my fingers.  Maybe I’m not setting the right intentions.  Maybe I’m the one who is truly unavailable.  Maybe I’m the one who is throwing up the roadblocks.

If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I’ll never let myself down off the cross (or off the hook) without a thorough investigation.  More times than not I’ll drive a few more nails in… and I wonder why I’m still single with no end in sight.

So I’m on this journey, right?  The same journey as everyone else.  Not sure I have the needed tools.  I know I have the strength.  And I like to think I’m fairly intelligent.  What I’m lacking in everywhere else, I make up in heart and passion.

I’m gonna pull another WAH right now… I also need to lose some weight.  I don’t think I need to lose it for anyone.  I just want to so I have more energy and buy cheap clothes.  LOL!  It’s true though, skinny people spend a lot less on their wardrobe and they just look better in clothes.  I’ll be honest too, I need a personal victory to own and feel good about right about now.  There’s a lot I can’t control right now but I know this is something I can and will control.  I’ve done it before.  I was a size 4 at one time.  At 5’8″, not sure a 4 is perfect for me.  I’d settle for an 8 or 10 even.  Mentally I must shift gears.  I’m tired of seeing myself in the mirror.  I feel skinnier than I am.  It’s always a shock when I see myself in pictures.  Like every other mom, I want to scream, “who’s that hot chick” when I see myself in the mirror and in pics.  I’d love to be proud of more than just headshots.

I know one thing: you can’t keep writing about the same thing and not find a resolution and progress.  I learned that from doing Morning Pages years ago (when I first dropped a lot of weight and took a new career path).  I picked it up from “The Artist’s Way” and it did wonders for me.  Look it up.  Get that guidebook.  It’s worth it! And if there’s one thing I can count on it’s this: change will always happen.  #changeorbechanged