Tag Archives: music

I Might Be Wrong

So there’s this super awesome way I’m able to transport myself back to times when I felt infinitely more hopeful and connected.  I have this cool trick allows me to feel past feelings, experience the joys and sorrows of yesteryears, and flat out just emote.  Okay, okay, okay, it’s not rocket science.  I just listen to music.  As I grow older I have less and less time to dedicate to music but music used to be a huge part of my life.  I wish it still was… and I’m happy I still have time to change that.  Anyway, I’m spinning Amnesiac by Radiohead as I type and it brings me right back to my dorm room senior year.  It’s a perfect place for me to travel back to because I had all the possibilities in the palm of my hand.  I loved who I was.  I was a poet, a student, a lover, and a kick-ass party girl!  Ha!  Total perfection, right?  I’m hoping to be that girl again when I retire.

My last blog was a bit heavy and rightfully so.  I’m tackling mountains these days and I’m winning for now.  I have about 80 lbs to lose and a pretty damaging habit to kick.  I look back at happy times in my life… those times when I felt connected to life… but I also look forward hoping those feelings will surface again.  I have it in me.  I know it’s there because things don’t leave.  I have always been and will always be everything I’ll ever need  to be.  I have everything inside of me that I’ll ever need.  My decisions just need to work on uncovering instead of covering my past parts.  Easier said than done (as is the case with typing out most of these realizations).

I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal and my goal is to write 3 things I’m grateful for when I wake up and 3 things I’m grateful for when I go to bed.  It’s been a great practice so far but I feel like I need to get more out of it.  I started by writing just a simple sentence.  But that’s not doing a damn thing because I find different ways of saying the same stuff day after day.  So I’m forcing myself to expand on the thought for like 1 or 2 more sentences.  So far, so good but I still think I’m missing the mark.  I need to dig deeper because I’m not getting emotional enough during the process.  I want to feel these words and feel these connections.

Being addicted to alcohol is like throwing white paint all over the Mona Lisa.  It erases creativity and beauty.  It covers the artist and suppresses any hope of growth.  I didn’t realize this for the longest time.  But I was essentially making myself numb, completely numb from feeling both good and bad… happy and sad.  There was nothing.  I didn’t want to feel the bad so I chose to feel nothing at all as a precaution.  Ha!  I thought I had out-maneuvered life… but really, I just found a way to mute ALL life inside of me.  With this slowly becoming a thing of my past, I can already feel my creative juices flowing and I’m pumped.  That sense of connection will be restored, I’m 100% certain of that!  And maybe I’ll make new memories now with music that I’ll want to revisit 20 years from now.  #goals

 

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Morrissey is okay, but am I?

I love the song “Okay By Myself” by Morrissey…

Click to watch Morrissey perform it live!

Here are the lyrics:

Could this be an arm around my waist?
Well, surely the hand contains a knife?
It’s been so all of my life
Why change now? It hasn’t

Now this might surprise you but
I find I’m okay by myself
And I don’t need you
Or your morality to save me
No, no, no, no, no

Then came an arm around my shoulder
Well, surely the hand holds a revolver?
It’s been so all of my life
Why change now? It hasn’t

Now this might disturb you but
I find I’m okay by myself
And I don’t need you
Or your benevolence to make sense
No, no, no, no

After all these years
I find I’m okay by myself
And I don’t need you
Or your homespun philosophy
No, no, no, no

This might make you throw up in your bed
I’m okay by myself
And I don’t need you
And I never have, I never have
No, no, no, no

I struggle with the down time.  I always have.  Since high school I can remember cramming my schedule full of activities, clubs, groups, and friends.  And when I started dating, I never stopped, never took a break.  And now that I’m an adult (in some sense of the word) I’m the same exact way and I’m sick of it.  Why do I need so much attention?  So many distractions?  Why can’t I just be single?  Why can’t I put my stupid phone down and just relax?  Seriously, I feel like I’m facing a attention-starved, persistently lonely epidemic.  And what do I get from all that white noise?  What’s in it for me?  And is it causing more harm than good?

Every now and then I sit down to think about this but it’s like I’m an addict.  I can’t go a minute without some sort of stimulation (connecting, reaching out, etc.).  I seriously short-circuit when I don’t have my phone with me and I’m heating up a Hot Pocket in the microwave–it’s happened.  I respond immediately to social media, emails, text messages, snap chats, tweets, LinkedIn stuff, and whatever else can be schlepped onto this list.  I crave it.  I need it.

Lately I’ve been more hard on myself from the relationship point-of-view.  Why do I have to constantly be engaged with relationships?  I can’t wake up, get in the shower, get dressed, and go to work without checking in with a guy.  Why?  And I can’t move through my workday without the attention from someone.  Why?  Sure, it feels nice to be recognized and such but like why do I NEED that?  And aren’t I just setting up meaningless relationships?  OR, on the other side of the coin, maybe I’m creating unrealistically high expectations for anyone looking to take on the role of being my boyfriend full-time?  Probably.

What am I getting out of saturating my time with meaningless check-ins and attention?  I’m projecting.  I’m looking for praise in hollow spaces.  I have that problem.  What’s my weakness?  It’s sitting by myself with nothing but quiet.  TERRIFYING!  I’m not okay by myself.  I don’t even permit the time to be alone.  It’s been like this forever.  I can’t live life afraid of myself.  I’m better than that.  Therapy always helped block out time for introspection and quiet time. Maybe I need to get back to therapy.

Anyway…

I need to focus on what’s important.  I need more genuine interactions focused on growing.  Anything that is “filler” needs to be trimmed.