I Might Be Wrong

So there’s this super awesome way I’m able to transport myself back to times when I felt infinitely more hopeful and connected.  I have this cool trick allows me to feel past feelings, experience the joys and sorrows of yesteryears, and flat out just emote.  Okay, okay, okay, it’s not rocket science.  I just listen to music.  As I grow older I have less and less time to dedicate to music but music used to be a huge part of my life.  I wish it still was… and I’m happy I still have time to change that.  Anyway, I’m spinning Amnesiac by Radiohead as I type and it brings me right back to my dorm room senior year.  It’s a perfect place for me to travel back to because I had all the possibilities in the palm of my hand.  I loved who I was.  I was a poet, a student, a lover, and a kick-ass party girl!  Ha!  Total perfection, right?  I’m hoping to be that girl again when I retire.

My last blog was a bit heavy and rightfully so.  I’m tackling mountains these days and I’m winning for now.  I have about 80 lbs to lose and a pretty damaging habit to kick.  I look back at happy times in my life… those times when I felt connected to life… but I also look forward hoping those feelings will surface again.  I have it in me.  I know it’s there because things don’t leave.  I have always been and will always be everything I’ll ever need  to be.  I have everything inside of me that I’ll ever need.  My decisions just need to work on uncovering instead of covering my past parts.  Easier said than done (as is the case with typing out most of these realizations).

I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal and my goal is to write 3 things I’m grateful for when I wake up and 3 things I’m grateful for when I go to bed.  It’s been a great practice so far but I feel like I need to get more out of it.  I started by writing just a simple sentence.  But that’s not doing a damn thing because I find different ways of saying the same stuff day after day.  So I’m forcing myself to expand on the thought for like 1 or 2 more sentences.  So far, so good but I still think I’m missing the mark.  I need to dig deeper because I’m not getting emotional enough during the process.  I want to feel these words and feel these connections.

Being addicted to alcohol is like throwing white paint all over the Mona Lisa.  It erases creativity and beauty.  It covers the artist and suppresses any hope of growth.  I didn’t realize this for the longest time.  But I was essentially making myself numb, completely numb from feeling both good and bad… happy and sad.  There was nothing.  I didn’t want to feel the bad so I chose to feel nothing at all as a precaution.  Ha!  I thought I had out-maneuvered life… but really, I just found a way to mute ALL life inside of me.  With this slowly becoming a thing of my past, I can already feel my creative juices flowing and I’m pumped.  That sense of connection will be restored, I’m 100% certain of that!  And maybe I’ll make new memories now with music that I’ll want to revisit 20 years from now.  #goals

 

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