As a kid I remember trying to influence the world with my mind. I was convinced that if I focused hard enough and if my will was strong enough I could make red lights turn green, or see an inanimate object move. My powers were real and they were limitless. I also had a crazy notion that you would know who your true love was because they would breathe at the same rate as you–which led to me being out of breath quite a few times as I tried to force myself to breathe at the same rate as a few boys. It’s like the world is yours until you learn otherwise. And that’s quite sad. I miss feeling that connected, that in control of my surroundings.
Where does this come from? As kids, we have less responsibilities and maybe more freedom to see the world in that light? I think that has something to do with it. I know I’ve definitely experienced more disappointment, more setbacks, more complications, and more examples of things not working out for the best and perhaps I’ve let that cloud my optimism. That’s very possible.
There’s another piece of the puzzle here that I’m fortunate enough to have stumbled upon about 6 years ago. Having someone in your life that sees the world as you do–this pliable, vibrant, reactive universe–is key in maintaining and growing that vision. Growing up I was a little different, the black sheep if you will. Often I would hear things like, “why can’t you just be happy with what you have,” and ” the world doesn’t revolve around you.” That’s not the right messaging and it certainly doesn’t open me up to feel more and expect more. But our parents all do the best that they can, right? And I’m a firm believer that we choose our parents before birth for a reason so there must be a significant reason why I was paired with my mom and dad. It’s easy for me to place blame. I’m sad and miserable and disconnected because they want me that way. Wah wah wah wah… but I need to be better than that.
Where is this all leading…
A little over 6 years ago I met my soulmate. He’s my epipsyche. How did I know? Simple. My flexible, pliable, connected world came back to me with more vividness, boldness, color, and possibilities than I had ever known before. He shares my vision and encourages it with every word he speaks. Not everyone finds this. I am extremely grateful to have someone who gives me hope, is always patient, and truly loves me (both the good and the bad). My world changes completely when he is near me. I see things through a clearer focus. Colors are more vibrant. It’s like I’m tapped into the universe and limitations cease to exist.
I’m still a slave to the 9-5. I still have bills to pay. I still have the troubles of being a single parent. I still have all of this. But at least there are moments of pure magic in my life again. He and I recently decided to get back together–timing is a bitch! I couldn’t be happier.