It doesn’t happen often but I guess it happens often enough for me to keep doing it. My journal reads just like my 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th (you get the point) grade journals. The same themes and issues pop up and really it’s where my thoughts on boys and the daily grind of life go to die. But I keep at it, trudge through, because every now and then I have wonderful insights… this happened just this past Saturday night.
I was enjoying a fabulous single-mom night in and I took to the page and scribbled a ton of ink down. I was borderline manic. I penned the line, “I am not perfect,” and was like an epiphany. Simple, right? I don’t think anyone believes they are perfect. I certainly don’t. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still judge and hold myself to the standards of perfection. I think that’s part of the guilt I wrote about recently and the standards we hold ourselves to as humans. I don’t spend a lot of time admitting to my downfalls though and it’s not the most comfortable thing to lay down on paper–I can assure you that.
But that one line hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not perfect. In that one line I found myself holding myself in a place of tenderness. I don’t do that very often. I saw myself as a work in progress. From there I could forgive and move past a few things. I didn’t have all the answers and it was okay because I’m not perfect. I wanted to run to the mirror and tell the girl in it that she was more than okay, that she was good. I chickened out of the mirror part but I need to do that. Saying things to yourself in the mirror is frightening but so f’n worth it.
That one sentence saved me in ways. I combed through the past year. It was a really tough year. I walked away from a relationship that hurt me. Sure, I told myself not to blame myself but I held some blame. I was lied to, betrayed to in major ways, and found myself living a life of pure worry and anxiety. I’m not perfect though and either is my journey. It’s been that way for a long time but I’m okay. So the revised sentence because, I’m not perfect and that’s okay. My journey will never be perfect. I was able to then look back at my life and celebrate my successes. And giving myself some breathing room will allow me the space to cultivate more successes. I can taste it.
I can’t control everything. Now that I don’t have the worry of my past relationship I need a new way of building. That got me thinking. I’ve spent a few years reacting and making decisions because I needed to make them. I lost focus while on the defense. That’s not what life should feel like, right? So, it’s time to climb back into my imperfect skin and get down to Britta Business! Let’s look at life through the Britta lens and make decisions from there. I won’t be perfect. Life will send me obstacles. I will be hurt again. I might fail. But if I’m always perfectly Britta, I’ll be a better person because of those trials.
With fall comes Homecoming, right? Fitting.